So, just as I'm thinking I couldn't hate writing a dissertation (or working with a certain director) anymore, I'm proven wrong yet again. At the now-weekly meeting with the director, he informed me within the span of an hour that 1) yes I would finish by May, and then 2) I might not finish by May and should not commit myself to that idea. As I'm holding back the tears at this latest news, he says in a mock-comfortingly way "we'll try." What is that supposed to mean?! I've been working my butt off for how many months (years) now to get this done and he decides that "maybe I won't make it by May"? So, after spending 15 minutes in my cubicle at work trying to hide from my co-workers the sound of my sniffing nose and the even more obvious sounds of a sobbing nose being blown, I got angry and decided that I'm going to write and write. I even called and cancelled my fun plans for Sunday morning/lunch with Keely just because I knew I had to get some serious work done on this thing (not that I haven't been doing that anyway). Thankfully she was very understanding, but I feel worse now that this cruelty has seeped into the few pleasures I have here in Normal. Okay, yes, I know I'm being a bit melodramatic here! Sigh.
A bigger problem is that I'm suffering from extremely low confidence in my abilities to write anything now. How in the world am I supposed to sit down and write? Every time I see him I fell as though he's giving me bad news. Frankly, at this point, I'm ready to go back to work at Target like I did as an undergraduate. At least those were happy days. This whole week has just been miserable. No home of my own, no Ken, no more editing job which means no more money, no good news on my dissertation, and now, maybe, no graduation. I shudder to think what else could go wrong this week. Thankfully, the week's almost over.
2 comments:
Obviously, finding a job could be easier if you're done. And it's certainly easier to move on with nothing hanging over you, but IF for whatever reason you don't finish by May, it isn't the end of the world. Brad and I are doing ok and we're not sitting at our director's feet appeasing their every whim. Yes, it's a pain to leave and not be done, but that doesn't mean you won't finish - you'll just finish from farther away, that's all.
It can be done. If not, I'm screwed. :)
And, Marcy, in the slim chance that it isn't done by May, you could still have it done by August, even though you're living in Iowa.
Probably the last thing you need is another set of eyes, but if you ever need someone to give you some feedback, I'll be happy to help out.
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